The truth about my body

This might be the most honest and raw post I have ever written..but perhaps the most important.

I wanted to share with you today the real truth of where I am with my body because I think it’s important for you to understand that no matter who we are or where we are in our “food/body story”, there are still struggles…and there are still sweeter places to go.

I’m hoping by sharing my truth, you can feel safer and more understood in yours…and we can keep lifting each other up to higher ground.

It’s a bit scary to tell you this because for many coaches, there is an underlying belief that in order to really be of service, you must be fully over your “issues”.

As a holistic health coach specializing in showing women how to create a more loving and satisfying relationship with food and their bodies, I definitely feel that belief creep into my psyche. I reflect and ask myself, “how can I show women the way out if I still have my own body doubts?”

Because here’s the thing: I not only want to show up fully for myself simply for myself. I also want to show up fully for myself because I know that the more I can do that, the richer and deeper my work with my clients can go.

But I want to come clean with you.

I still have further to go with my body love story.

Although I intuitively knew this, I came head to head with this reality about a week ago. Some one close to me basically shared with me that my body needed further improving, tightening and toning. As soon as this happened, I felt myself crumble a bit inside. Actually, it really hurt.

Instantly, I felt like I was back at my old weight. I questioned my body, questioned the way it looked and if it was “good enough”. I felt like I had to defend my weight, my dress size, my “body movement” frequency. What would count as enough for this person? Then, feeling these negative feelings about myself, I even questioned if I was as far along in my body love story as I thought I was. And then I had to sort through my feelings about the person who made these comments.

It was rough to come in contact with this shadow side of myself.

But then I had to get even more honest…I was holding on to bits of this shadow side even before the comments were made. In truth, I’ve had some pretty unloving thoughts about myself that needed to be fully looked at. That was why someone else’s judgement of me hit so hard; I had been lacking full body acceptance of myself first.

Truth:
I still have days where I catch myself comparing myself to other women’s bodies and not feeling enough.

I still have bouts of insecurity about whether or not my fiancé finds me fit enough, beautiful enough, amazing enough.

I still have caught myself looking myself once over in the mirror when I slip into my bikini and feeling like perhaps my hips are too lumpy, my stomach could be flatter, my thighs less thick.

Yes, I still have days where those kind of garbage thoughts creep in.

The honest truth is that I still struggle around having 100%, 365 days a year, 24 hours a day total body acceptance and love.

But here’s the other truth.

I have come leaps and bounds from where I was just a handful of years ago.

I no longer obsess about every calorie, point, nimble I eat and worry that my thighs are growing larger with every bite.

I no longer look for the words “diet, low-calorie, non-fat, or zero points” to decide if something is “healthy”. I go for quality foods and foods that fuel my life…when people ask me how many calories or fat grams I eat I have no clue. I don’t live that way anymore.

I no longer try to fit into a particular “food dogma” as the holy grail of what I should or shouldn’t be eating. On any given day, with any given meal, I might be eating what someone might label as raw, vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, paleo, gluten-free, dairy-free, whatever….I have no true label. I just eat what works best for me and listen to my body. (She tells me very clearly what foods help me thrive and which ones take my energy and health for a nose-dive.) That keeps me sane and happy around food. And because of that, I live a whole lot more fully.

I no longer go to exercise classes I hate simply because I think they will give me the “perfect body.” Now I move in ways that not only challenge me, but make me feel like a million bucks.

I’ve stopped the extreme diets followed by binges, followed by self-loathing and feeling like a failure. So done with that.

I went running this week on the beach in my bikini bottoms and sports bra..something I would have been way to freaked out to do in the past because I kept obsessing about having a “juicy” bottom.

I am in awe of the way my body shows up for me, all the beautiful places she takes me, all the ways she lets me take in the world. And I am in such great health…I feel blessed for this and give gratitude for my body and health daily. Yes, really, every day…even on my “off” days.

And even though I am working on having total, unapologetic, unrelenting body acceptance, I definitely have tons more love and appreciation for my body than I ever did before. I actually do think I am a hottie. (And I think you are one too!)

Yes, I still have my insecurities and sometimes I damn the mirror…but there are many more times that I actually check myself out in it and think “wow, you look amazing.”

The days I am loving the skin I’m in far out weigh the days when I could use a “body love boost”.

A few years ago, I would have never been able to do the photo shoot I did because frankly, I lacked the confidence. Not only that, I would have been too worried about what someone else might think or say about me because of it.

Now I see these photos as an invitation to every woman to own her personal sexy and that makes me feel damn good.

And a few years ago, negative comments about my body would have put me in such a tail spin that I would have been on the Master Cleanse the next day, hitting the gym extra hard, and mapping out my master plan for the quickest way to drop weight fast.

Know what I did this time? I cried, took notice of my feelings, and decided I could do better…not with my “workout” or “diet” but with my thoughts about my body. I realized I could uplevel my body love.

So, to sum it up, I am with you. I am a work in progress. I am still working on letting go of those negative body beliefs, media hype, and crazy perfection ideals our society throws at us left and right. But I am so much closer than I was before and for that I am very grateful. Life has opened up for me because of that and I can only imagine how much more pleasure rich it will get the deeper and deeper I dig my body as is.

And in the end, I am thankful that this whole situation last week happened because it taught me to go deeper, to love myself even more.

I now know those compare and despair thoughts ARE garbage, toxic, and are a waste of time and space.

Per the words of wisdom from my mentor and teacher, Marc David, I am on a new experiment of loving my body 100% TODAY, as is, nothing to change. Yes, I am still rockin my healthy ways, still committed to taking my health and life to higher and higher ground, but am on a quest to fall in complete love with my body in her current state.

That means that every day I am going to dig me when I look in the mirror. I am giving myself permission to crown myself “Gorgeous, zero to change”. I am walking with more strut in my step and plan to soak up the last bit of summer in my bikini with unshakeable confidence.

I’m ready to take my body love to the next level, and I’m really excited to see where this takes me.

I’d love to invite you to do the same.

In the comments below, let me know how you plan to up-level your body love. Where can you be kinder to you? What negative thoughts can you let go of? What would your life be like if you had total body love?

Sending you so much love,