What to do when you DON’T love your body: Your guide to Body Respect and Body Kindness

Let’s talk about the term Body Love.

This is a term that gets thrown around so much in the body positivity space…I know I’ve used it too, and I do believe in being a fierce lover and protector of your body home.

But what if you aren’t loving your body right now?

What if you are feeling at odds with your body, going through a health challenge, or going through body changes that you are less than happy about?

One of my dear friends has really been struggling in her second year of menopause. She’s eating nourishing foods, she’s seeing her doctor, moving her body, she’s started hormone therapy…and yet, she’s feeling less than happy about the extra 10 pounds that won’t seem to budge and not making headway on a lot of her symptoms.

I get it. None of that feels good nor is it an experience she, me, or you want to be having.

Understandably so, this is leading her to not feel so good in her skin. And when we don’t feel good in our skin, we can start to feel guilty about NOT feeling the body love for ourselves.

And I want to take away the guilt that comes on the other side of body positivity, the guilt you feel for not feeling good in or about your body at all times. The last thing we want is more guilt; we get enough of that from the culture telling us to have perfect eating, movement, and bodies…we certainly don’t need to feel guilty for not loving every inch of our bodies at every moment of every day too!

So what I want to offer you today is instead of having to quickly progress to or always feel pressured to stay in “body love,” move into adopting body respect and body kindness.

The reality is, feeling all loving and accepting of anyone, including your body, at all times is an impossible standard.

Take our relationships to our romantic partners for example.

Look, I’m going to keep it 100 with you. I love my boyfriend and he’s gorgeous and funny and kind…but sometimes, he’s not my favorite person. Sometimes he irritates me, angers me, frustrates me, and yes, hurts my feelings. Sometimes I need space from him. Sometimes I don’t understand him or his reactions. Sometimes I’m not liking him all that much.

And I know he feels the same about me. We are humans, and we are doing our best, but aren’t perfect and we get it wrong sometimes. Sometimes we are on very different pages and need to find common ground again.

Sometimes we have to work at finding our flow again and reboot the navigation system to get back on track. Conflict and getting derailed happens.

Yet years ago and in some of my past relationships, conflict scared me. I would immediately assume that any sign of an issue, feeling that things were off, or if I wasn’t feeling nothing but love for my partner meant that I had failed or the relationship was doomed. All or nothing perfectionist thinking would lead me to a very anxious and fatalistic place.

But, the thing is, when it comes to navigating this relationship, I have a lot of tools I didn’t have years ago. Things that keep it healthy. Things that help me process my feelings. Things that help us repair, rebuild, and get stronger because of conflict, not in spite of it. Things that, as we change and grow, will help us find a new homeostasis.

Does that make sense?

And the thing is, it’s no different in the relationship you and I are having with our bodies.

There’s going to be conflict, change, frustration, misfirings, stuff that makes you go, “What in the world is going on here?”

This is especially true if you are at the beginning of letting go of diet culture (and diet culture that is disguised as “wellness” culture practices, which I talked about HERE). You’ve been inundated by a lifetime of messages telling you your body, appetite, and aesthetic is wrong; to then go right into blindly passionate love for your body and not feel any sense of misgivings about Her/Him/Them is really an impossibly tall order.

Give yourself a break!

Instead of asking yourself to feel nothing but the good stuff, when love feels like a large task, start with respect and kindness. 

It’s true in your relationship with your partner and your body.

Because the thing is, no matter how tough it gets in your relationship with your beloved, respect and kindness must be ever present; it’s the glue, the ongoing thread, that keeps the relationship steady and together even in times of conflict. 

Going back to my own relationship, even in the moments when I am less than happy with him, the reality is he is my partner and he deserves respect and kindness, even if respect and kindness in that moment means I leave and go for a walk so I can regroup and not say something I will regret and will cause irreparable harm because of a momentary surge of anger. Sometimes respect means letting us both have personal space. Sometimes it’s having the hard conversations that really rattle my cage and take immense courage to engage in. Sometimes it means letting the difficulties and frustrations teach me where I still need to grow and perhaps get better tools to deal with things. And sometimes it means doing the small things (like getting him a glass or water or a cup of coffee or grabbing him that thing at the store he needed but keeps forgetting) when I am busy and could just as easily not do it, but I know it’s the little things that add up to a relationship we want to be in.

Respect and kindness can go a long way in the moments, or days, when love (even though it is still there) feels hard to hold.

And lo and behold, these things I do within the context of my romantic relationship serve me immensely in my relationship with my body too.

Like I can literally do all those things I just listed for my body and in times when my body and I feel like we having a less than pleasurable time.

So, my dear, my invitation to you is to let yourself off the hook if you aren’t ready today (or just for today) to shout from the rooftops, “I love my body!”

Sweet One, it’s ok. You’re normal and it doesn’t mean you aren’t body positive or amazing, nor that you won’t ever be feeling juicy and sexy and wanting to strut yourself, whether that is on your next trip to Trader Joe’s, on the beach, or in the privacy of your bedroom.

Let’s just bring down the stakes a little bit.

Body image and body love are a journey. They keep unfolding and changing. Hell, sometimes it can change from one hour the next. And sometimes there is a whole season where it feels like we are on the struggle bus.

Sometimes you’ll get knocked off the path. Sometimes you’ll need new tools or be using the tools and have a day where it feels like it ain’t working and you are back to square one. But I promise you, you are not. 

Instead of feeling guilty about not yet being at or currently feeling in body love, invite respect and kindness. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to show my body some respect? Where can I treat my body kindly?”

You might get answers like moving your body in ways that feel pleasurable, getting some rest, taking a nap, taking a hot shower, eating a yummy meal that both nourishes you and brings you pleasure, having sex, crying a really good cry, or simply drinking a glass of water.

You might want to take a moment to think of all the things your body lets you experience in a day. 

I know, I know …you might be saying to yourself, “Anita, my body is currently letting me experience my pants feeling tight, this digestive issue, or this pain in my back”….etc. etc.

That’s fair.

But also take stock of the fact that your body also allows you to feel the warmth of a deep, long hug, the taste of an incredible meal, a laugh so hard your entire being shakes, pleasurable orgasms, kisses, excitement, a good sweat, a beating heart, and love.

Yep, that body that you can’t quite love today is helping you feel and process the sensations of love for someone else. What a gift.

And it’s your body that is getting you from point A to B every single day, your body that holds your fantastic mind, your body that is the capsule in which your soul resides and is the container from which all your brilliant creativity and magic bursts forth.

What a body you have!

All of that is coexisting even when  you are in a less than “body love” state.  But it’s definitely happening in a body that deserves your kindness and respect.

The point is, my dear, if you can at least keep the thread of respect and kindness alive and at the forefront, even on the toughest of days, I promise you it will change how you connect to your body in the long run. It will build solid ground from which you can build an entirely new way of thinking of and being in your body.  As you move through whatever challenges are coming up in your body relationship, you’ll develop a deeper sense of true partnership with your body, a deeper sense of trust.

You both are just doing the best you can, and if you need support or new tools to make the connection stronger and healthier, you’ll reach out and get those. Your respect and kindness for your body partner will lead you to figure out together how you can make things right and invite more love in.

Why?

Because your connection with your body will no longer just be based on only celebrating the good times or the Instagram worthy posts, the times when things look just the way you want them.

Instead, you’ll be leaning on true respect and kindness, which over time and over difficulties, will lead you right back to love…not the one they told you you should have (aka no bad body image days or never feeling struggle in your body), but rather the one that will be there to hold you through a lifetime of ups and downs and still be on your side.
 

I love you,

Anita

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