An old “friend” came to visit last week…and to be honest, it made me uneasy, brought me back to a place I have worked so very hard to move past.
A day of working from home put me back in touch with an old fear of appetite, of wrestling with an inner debate of what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, etc.
At first, it slightly terrified me, because when this happens, it is not only the inner debate about food that shows up, but also an enormous side of judgment…mainly being that I should no longer have my “food issues” popping up since I coach others on how to set themselves free from such inner debates and struggles and find a more loving, peaceful relationship with food and their bodies.
But here’s the beautiful and deeply honest thing about that…
I have never claimed that working on your relationship to body and food will ensure that old behaviors and thoughts won’t at times come knocking on your door.
That has not been my experience.
However, what DOES change is how you greet them, how frequently they try to come on over, and how long their visit lasts.
What I have learned over the years is that a healthy dose of compassion and curiosity transforms those visits entirely.
This is what I know without a doubt and it is these two inner arsenals that I pull out each and every time.
First step….loving myself in that moment, having deep compassion for myself.
Second step…getting really interested, really curious as to what was really happening here, why was the debate showing up now.
Judgment falls away immediately. No longer am I a “bad” coach, woman, person.
I am now a tender soul who needs something, wants something, desires something.
And that need/want/desire is showing up as confusion and struggle with my appetite.
The “struggle” is simply the messenger.
In many ways, either trying to deny appetite or squash it with eating too much is easier…either choice is a distraction from getting to the root of what is trying to surface in that moment. It gives one something else to focus on, to numb out with, to munch on, or to starve.
In so many ways it is easier to control food or lose oneself in it…at least that is tangible. If we are to really sit with and explore what is happening in that moment, then who knows what could rise to the surface, what we might discover we want or are longing to feel. Would it possibly be something that feels far out of our grasp, something we feel is too big, too much, too scary to name?
And this is also why these moments are beautiful, if we dare to listen and stay curious.
What I discovered was that I was feeling a lot of fear…taking on new projects, not sure of what would come of them…and feeling very alone in the process.
I also discovered that I had this strange sense of feeling like I was 13 or so again, a time in my life when my issues and struggles with food/body really took root. I can remember being home and being alone a lot then, of wanting more connection, more family around me, more company. But, since I couldn’t get that, I turned to food but only in a very controlled, very carefully calculated manner. I filled up with fat-free cakes and Weight Watchers ice cream covered with non-fat Cool Whip. I got the sweetness I was craving from life in the form of food but also monitoring the “damage” , because that system helped me feel safe, gave me something else to focus on, gave me a sense of control.
All of that was bubbling to the surface for me.
I stayed with the curiosity.
I stayed with sensation…and asked myself some questions…
Did I feel physical hunger? The answer came: Yes.
Ok…but why was it so hard to just cook or get something to eat?
The answer came: Because I wanted more than just food.
Ok…so what was it that I really wanted? What would feel truly nourishing at a soul-level?
The answer came: To be around people I loved. To feel connection. To share a meal with someone.
Ah! The appetite (for food) and the Appetite (for something deeper, in this case, connection) were both at the surface.
I realized that the most loving thing I could do for myself was to feed both in a nourishing way. Though as a young teen I couldn’t just leave the house if I was lonely, I could do that as a grown woman who was in touch with her needs. I didn’t need to rely on food and counting calories/points/fat grams to give me a sense of order, control and connection….as a grownup, I had a lot of other options to choose from. In that moment, eating solo just wasn’t going to cut it. I needed both the nourishment of actual healthy food and the emotional nourishment of connection.
As life would have it, a good friend of mine texted around that time. She invited me over to go see her and her new baby girl, who I had been so eager to meet. I picked up some food for her and I to share and headed over.
It was interesting to observe that though I had felt ravenous just before getting to her place, I wound up being completely satisfied with far less food than I had expected. But this is what happens when what we are really hungry for gets named, gets space, and is satisfied.
I can tell you this…had I gone down the path of judgment, I surely wouldn’t have landed at a place of clarity, compassion, or true nourishment.
Judgment is the killer of clarity, of knowing yourself or another, of getting to the root of what is showing up for you. It labels you a failure, wrong, broken. It keeps you separated, not just from others (and therefore feeling even more alone in the process) but also from yourself, from your soul-level needs and wants.
Be it a gnawing itch to keep going back to the fridge or cupboard, shop compulsively, having multiple glasses of wine each night to “reward” yourself at the end of the day, even overwork yourself (and this includes taking on to many projects at your child’s school), or constantly “monitor” yourself (counting calories, pick yourself apart in the mirror, overexercise), underneath it all is a deeper desire, a deeper Appetite that is desiring to be satisfied…but what is it for YOU?
This is what I get so excited about helping women tap into and uncover, to give them insight, rituals, practices, and tools to allow them to move from judgment and constant inner debates to creating a new relationship with food, with their bodies, with their appetites so that they may give their soul-level Appetites ( aka their deeper desires, gifts, talents, needs, passions) room to come to the surface and actually take shape.
Yes, I work with my clients around reworking their nutrition and adding in more body-positive movement, but it is always tied to the bigger vision they have for their lives. Without that, there is no soul and the merry-go-round of dieting, etc. continues.
We think that the symptom is the problem, but in reality, it’s a beautiful gateway into the unfolding of a life that really speaks to you, honors you, heart and soul.
In that spirit, I want to let you know that I will be leading a very small, intimate group program for women beginning this summer that will diving into the heart of this (and much more). It will be a beautiful blend of the key features that I work with my private clients and workshop attendees, the core teachings and practices that allow them to lead freer, passion-filled, fully embodied lives.
I will be taking 5-6 women only on this journey, women who are ready and excited to go deep and change their lives from the inside out, who want to connect to and see their bodies in a new light. Women who are ready for MORE. I want this to be small group so that there is a beautiful blend of teaching, one-on-one attention, and heartfelt connection between the group members. This is why the number of women I want to take on this journey is so small.
I am still finalizing the details, (including the final name!) but am looking to begin in June. If you are already getting the nudge that this might be something you desire, let’s set up a time to talk. I can tell you more details, get to know you, your struggles, your desires, and really see if this would be a good fit for you. Just email me back that you want to learn more and we can go from there.
In any case, I hope you will open up to the possibility that your appetite and your Appetites deserve your attention, that symptoms are gifts, that if you can begin to suspend judgment for just a moment in time, something beautiful is waiting on the other side…your truth. And the truth is, you are worth your desires, you are worth beauty, and you are worth grace. This and so much more are your birth rite.
With all my love,
Anita
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