The Art of Receiving- Why It Matters and How It Heals

In honor of International Women’s Day, I thought it might be fitting to share with all you beautiful, talented, passionate women some encouragement on why it is so vital to let yourself simply receive. As women, we are natural born givers. We are constantly thinking how we can give to our kids, family, friends, community. The ideas of simply receiving, to allow others to care for us, to take in the nurturing, can feel like a foreign idea, seasoned with feelings of guilt and “selfishness”. It’s time to remedy this. For all you do all year long, this one’s for you.

For those of you who are part of my email list, you know all about my mother’s accident and what the last couple of months have been like for me…incredibly hard, heart-wrenching, life changing… to say the least.

The reality is you can’t spend 6 weeks watching your mom recover from a traumatic brain injury, loving her up and helping to nurse her back to health, advocating on her behalf, and not feel the full spectrum of emotions.

You can’t go through the fire and not be changed.

In the most painful moments of it all, I often asked myself “What will this teach me? How is this going to help me grow? What is the purpose of all of this?” I had to go there because I couldn’t believe that this painful experience was happening in vain.

I struggled to make some sense of it all…

But I also asked this of Spirit on behalf of my mom as well. What could be a positive result of all of this for her? I mean her entire life changed in an instant. She was simply out for a walk one day and then without warning or reason, hit by a SUV and had to have emergency brain surgery. Could anything beautiful unfold from this for her?

On top of all the physical pain she was experiencing, my mom, an extremely independent soul, now had to ask for everything.

In the beginning stages, she couldn’t feed herself or even hold a cup of water. In fact, short of breathing, there wasn’t much she could do on her own.

Once she was aware enough to really understand what was going on and her personal will to fight for herself started to kick-in, so did the resentment that she had to ask for help.

She’s always been the one to love others up, to give and give, and to caretake for others. (She had done just that for my Nano for close to a year…I know his last couple of years of life were so much richer because of her loving care.)

But now, my mom had to let go, to be on the receiving end.

Many times, she would get so angry and tell me “That man (referring to the guy who hit her) took so much away from me. I used to be so independent and now I have to bother my family, to be a burden on them. It’s just not right.”

And from this anger, she would try and push herself to do things or overextend herself before she was ready.

All I could keep saying to her was this…”Mom, sometimes we all need to lean on somebody. We all fall down, all feel weak, have things that happen to us that cause us to have to go slow and be cared for. Let us love you up. I’m happy to be here for you. The more you push before you are ready, the harder it will be to truly heal.”

Resist she did, but in the end, life was calling to her to allow herself to receive. Receive love, receive care, be nurtured.

Meanwhile, there I was doing everything I could to give. Shop for her. Make countless calls. Sleep at the hospital next to her side. Feed her. Comb her hair. Encourage her. Even bathe her. And of course, love her.

When I got tired, felt like I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, or felt burnt out, I often kept pushing myself along. After all, she was the one with the traumatic brain injury, not me. My needs couldn’t be that urgent. And I was still getting in nourishing foods and movement (I swear my hour a day at my Pure Barre class helped to keep me sane)…it wasn’t like I wasn’t having any self-care.

I felt a bit guilty to ask for things for me from anyone, to just open up and allow someone to take care of me in the middle of all this.

Maybe I didn’t even realize how much I needed it.

So I didn’t really know how to respond when friends would write or call and ask me “Can I do anything for you?” or “How are you doing, really?” My initial reaction was that yes, it’s hard for me, but not half as hard as it is for her.

But luckily I had some loving souls spill out the truth I needed to hear.
I needed to be nurtured too.

It came from my mentor Marc David, who encouraged me to let someone else care for me too in the middle of all this, whether it be someone making me dinner or taking the load off so I could catch up on sleep. He reminded me that it’s not enough to just get in your greens and sweat out your troubles during times like this…as a caretaker you also need the nourishment of loving attention, care, and to let others physically show up for you.

And then it came from my amazing friends in Florida (especially Karen and Maria) who made time to come see me, be with me, and take me out for a glass of wine or a good meal…or simply just sit and talk with me. Their presence meant everything.

As things started to mellow out a bit with my mom, it came from Mike who arranged a spa day for me….a 3 hour block of time just for me so I could get a massage and a facial and simply be pampered. It felt so indulgent to just BE and allow myself to do nothing but take in that amount of attention and care. I fell asleep during both; I had no idea just how tired I was.

The invitation to let myself be on the receiving end of love and nurturing kept coming at me…I just had to allow myself to take it.

But it wasn’t until I was in the middle of a heartfelt conversation with my friend Jen that I made some big realizations. On the search for lessons, I had realized that for my mom, life was calling her to receive love and nurturing in a way she probably never had in her entire 68 years. But what I didn’t realize at first was that life was also calling me to do the very same thing.

There we were on what seemed like opposite ends of this situation but in a whole other way, we were both being called to step into our strength by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to really lean on another.

The truth was that the very advice I gave to my mom was the medicine I needed for myself as well.

I had to accept with humility that I couldn’t do it all and what I could do could never be done as fully as it could when I made sure I was refilling my tank. Giving cannot happen without receiving. The two help to keep us even and whole. And though the art of receiving wasn’t the only lesson that came from this experience, it was definetly a big one.

And since coming back home, I’ve given myself the space to practice the art of receiving some more and be really gentle with myself, to not push too hard too fast. My body, soul, and spirit have gone through something major. As much as I want to feel like “my old self,” I need to let it happen organically.

I’m also feeling like “my old self” is kinda an illusion as well. I’ve been changed and so it’s been a getting to know you sort of period with myself. (I’ve found myself to be incredibly more honest with myself and those in my life…so healing…and I’ll talk more about that in an upcoming post.)

I need a little more sleep, a little more TLC, a little less to do, some meals and shopping done for me, and more practice saying (with love) “no” to people, things, and obligations.

While this whole experience has been incredibly hard and heartbreaking, I’m learning more and more how to ask and how to receive for what I really want and need. And frankly, I needed to be doing more of that.

The truth is we don’t need to wait for a major life event like this to start getting comfortable with being on the receiving end of love and care-taking. In reality, most of us are walking around starved for it. Though the “logical” mind can downplay its importance and tell us it’s far more important that we push forward and show up as super mommy, daughter, wife, lover, employee, or CEO, the body in all her wisdom never forgets and will keep reminding us that we can’t live in a constant place of force.

Weight-gain, misaligned relationship to food, anxiety, sleeplessness, fatigue, digestive issues, or nagging feelings of unhappiness and “emptiness” (just to name a few) are her ways of getting your attention. And you can keep seeking for the perfect supplement, drug, or cure for your “issue” but I find that no matter what the ailment, the best place to start is within, to look at you really want and need and get brave enough to ask for it. And then brave enough to receive it.

Start there.

Nothing will ever take the place of practicing incredible self-love and self-care, which can take many, many forms. And sometimes that means letting someone else love you up, spoil you, nurture you.

Looking for actionable steps?

Take some time and ask yourself…What love, help, assistance, or care have you been resisting, avoiding, not asking for, or afraid to accept because it means letting go a bit?

What would feel so amazing to receive today? If you could suspend guilt and judgement, what would feel so nice to lean on another for or be treated to?

Where could you be less hard on yourself, more compassionate?

Then, be bold, Beautiful One, and allow yourself to receive. It’s the strongest, bravest move you could ever make and trust me, it’s the gift you give not just to yourself but to the world as well.

Sending you love and ready to receive some right on back,